I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
