I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
