I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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