You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
there's paper in my vomit.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
