Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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