Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
