My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
