You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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