There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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