you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
