I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my shit smells like andre
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
