I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
