i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
