i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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