about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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