talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
