I hope mine doesn't look like that
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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