im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
