Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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