I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
