I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
