3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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