Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
