How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
