dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
