I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
