weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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