I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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