What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
