sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
