I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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