Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I would fuck him just for his dog
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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