Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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