I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
