So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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