hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
