I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
