Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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