His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
