Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
