I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
