There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
