When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
