I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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