ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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