i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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