I accidentally had phone sex last night
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
