good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
