the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
