We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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