We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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