please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
