tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
